Academic tutor Ned Johnson recently received an email from the father of one of his high school clients. The father had a request, asking Johnson to make sure his son took a practice test over the weekend but added a strange caveat: “Don’t tell him that I had this conversation with you.” The father’s concern for his child’s success was evident, but this kind of overinvolvement is becoming more common, according to experts.
On Friday, Johnson, founder of the academic tutoring company PrepMatters, shared his perspective: “I’m really invested in your kid doing well on this test. But do you know who is also invested? Your kid.”
Experts who work with both high school and college students are increasingly noticing a trend of overinvolved parents. Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure, says that parents are going beyond normal concerns and micromanaging their kids’ lives.
From doing their laundry to emailing professors about grades, parents are becoming more engaged in their kids’ college lives than ever before. Higher education officials have also noted the trend and some colleges even have staff members whose job is to act as liaisons between families and the university.
Lahey points out that when she went off to college, her parents simply sent her off with little more than a wave and best wishes. “Now, there are deans at colleges whose job is to be a liaison to families because parents want to be so much more involved with their kids at college,” she said.
It’s understandable why parents might want to be involved in their college kids’ lives. Sending a child off to college is a big step, and it’s only natural for parents to worry. Academic pressures, social changes, and the transition to living independently can be difficult.
But experts agree that being overly involved in your college kid’s choices can actually backfire. It can undermine their ability to make decisions and take charge of their own lives.
Johnson says that when parents get too involved, they may actually be reducing their child’s sense of control, which can be stressful for both the parent and the student.
“What parents are typically doing is trying to make themselves feel a greater sense of control,” Johnson said. “But it’s at the expense of their kid’s sense of control.”
Harlan Cohen, a college success coach and author of The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College, explains that parents today are more connected to their children than ever before. And while it’s normal to want to check in, constant involvement can do more harm than good.
A sense of competency is vital for students to grow into capable adults, Lahey added. It’s important for students to know that they can handle difficult situations on their own.
Confidence comes from feeling that they can do hard things, but competency comes from knowing they can do hard things because they have done them before. Lahey notes that when parents step in too quickly to solve a problem, they take away an important opportunity for their child to develop competency.
“Every time we do something for our kids, we are basically telling them, ‘I don’t think you can do this yourself,’” Lahey said. This undermines their confidence and ability to handle future challenges.
According to self-determination theory, people have three important psychological needs: competency, autonomy, and connection. When parents overmanage their children, they remove the child’s sense of competency and autonomy, Johnson explained. This overinvolvement can also strain the parent-child relationship because the child may feel invalidated.
The reality, Johnson says, is that the stakes in college are not as high as they may seem. College students are still young, and they have time to learn from their mistakes, figure things out, and correct their course if needed.
It’s part of growing up. In fact, one of the most important markers of good mental health is resilience—the ability to bounce back when things don’t go as planned. Parents need to remember that allowing their children to face challenges and overcome them is a crucial investment in their future.
Johnson highlights that a single experience of overcoming adversity during adolescence can have a lasting impact on the brain, preparing it to handle stress in the future. If you are used to stepping in and saving the day, this might be difficult at first.
When you’ve spent years being the problem solver, it’s natural for you to want to help your child navigate college life. But Lahey says it’s important to take a step back and give your child the room they need to figure things out for themselves.
Lahey advises parents to start with an apology. She recommends saying something like, “I’ve been doing the best I could based on what I thought was right, but I think I’ve been underestimating you.”
This can open the door to a new approach where both parent and child work together to identify the skills the student needs to develop and how the parent can support them without taking over.
Some of the skills that students might need help with include doing their own laundry, writing professional emails, and learning how to seek out resources when they are struggling academically. It’s important to offer support but not force it on your child.
Johnson also suggests adopting a 24-hour rule. When your child comes to you with a problem, rather than stepping in immediately, give them a day to try to solve it on their own.
In many cases, they will have resolved the issue themselves by the time the 24 hours are up. This helps the student build problem-solving skills while giving the parent time to step back.
One of the most important things parents can do during this transition is to remain calm. When a parent appears stressed about a situation, it can heighten the child’s anxiety as well.
Cohen suggests that parents model calmness, even if they don’t feel it. Faking calm until you make it is better than showing panic, which can transfer to your child.
Lahey adds that taking a longer-term view of your child’s development can help you relax in the moment. She advises parents to ask themselves whether they want the task done their way right now or if they want their child to be able to do it independently the next time.
Where do I want my kid to be in six months, a year, or five years?” she said. The adjustment can be tough for both parents and students, but giving your college kid space to grow into independence is one of the best ways to help them succeed.
It may be hard to let go, but in the long run, allowing them to make mistakes, learn from them, and build resilience is the key to their future success.
